The NSW Rugby League has acted swiftly to change the way it conducts State of Origin campaigns after Queensland coach Mal Meninga revealed in a newspaper column the Blues had deliberately tried to win this year's series.
''If what Mal says is right, and 'rats and filth' were doing everything possible to beat the Maroons, then these people will be hunted down and made to pay,'' said NSWRL chief executive Geoff Carr. ''To challenge our northern superiors on and off the field is not only an insult to Mal but the very notion of Queensland exceptionalism upon which this great rivalry is based.''
The first victim of NSW's series of shame is coach Ricky Stuart, whose description of the Queenslanders as merely ''the greatest team in Origin history'' riled Meninga. The Queensland mentor had expected NSW to ''celebrate a remarkable football team''.
''You can see why Mal was upset by the 'half-truths and propaganda','' Carr admitted. ''Not once did Ricky say that Billy Slater deserved the Order of Australia for services to fullbackdom, pump up Cameron Smith for a career in Hollywood or say his own team wasn't fit to lace the boots of any player from north of the Tweed (or Greg Inglis). Ricky just had to go.''
The combative Stuart will be replaced immediately by Sunrise host David Koch, whose charm and obsequiousness are considered better suited to this diplomatic posting. ''You won't find Kochie using revolutionary tactics and clever selection to upset the natural order of Queensland dominance; or suggesting one of his players is the best in the world,'' Carr said. ''Instead of training, the NSW team will participate in a cooking competition on Sunrise. The winner gets to serve the entire Maroons' squad breakfast in bed.
Carr said the new appointment would ease Meninga's concerns his reputation had been tainted. ''Compared with Kochie, Mal will make Wayne Bennett look like a dad-with-a-whistle at an under-9s game,'' he said. ''And, as a precaution, we'll remove the name Michael Hagan from all local phone books.''
In a prepared statement, Stuart said: ''I am deeply ashamed of my actions. I flagrantly ignored the Origin maxim: 'State against state, mate against mate … but hands off Mal!' I can only hope that, one day, Mal will again let me wax his eyebrows like I used to at the Raiders.''
Captain Paul Gallen is also expected to lose his job after complaining about the refereeing. ''Yeah, I let my state down,'' said Gallen, who had been honoured with the traditional post-game booing from a typically hospitable Suncorp Stadium crowd. ''Not only did I complain about the refs, I tried to tackle the Queenslanders rather than forming a guard of honour. That is the type of 'arrogance' and 'disrespect' Mal identified.''
Carr foreshadowed radical changes to the NRL judiciary to ensure there was no repeat of the scandalous treatment of Johnathan Thurston, who suffered the indignity of facing a charge (before being cleared). ''Our new Queensland Origin Players Tribunal will have a 50-point maximum penalty for serious offences such as grievous bodily harm, sliding down to an all-expenses paid holiday in the Caribbean for those found guilty of lesser charges like decapitating a referee.''
Meninga noted that TV ratings for this year's Origin set records and all three games were sold out. Carr apologised for this and pledged measures would be taken to ensure minimal interest in 2012. ''Newspaper editors have been warned that if they emphasise the Origin rivalry or try to hype the series in any way, all access to the teams will be denied - or, in the case of Queensland, even more denied. This is Queensland's series and no one else's business.''
Meninga said he was satisfied with the NSW response and would now turn his attention to the Queensland Rugby League. ''Wally Lewis has a statue and I don't,'' he said, reaching for his laptop. ''Clearly, there is some malicious filth up here, too!''
