D
Sir Chadley
Jaws
Just had some awful news yesterday at our office that has left us all shocked and stunned. Our CEOs husband collapsed and died from a heart attack while working on a job site. To my knowledge he was pretty fit for a man in his early 60s, who has also done many Sydney to Hobart yacht races.
It is absolutely devastating for us all, he was a top fellow, but I can’t imagine what our CEO and her 19 year old daughter are going through.
I know not many of you are religious folk but if you do pray at some stage, please pray for this family.
It is absolutely devastating for us all, he was a top fellow, but I can’t imagine what our CEO and her 19 year old daughter are going through.
I know not many of you are religious folk but if you do pray at some stage, please pray for this family.
D
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HaroldBishop
Megalodon
That's horrible mate and also scary for those of us not far off that age bracket.
XGinga
Oceanic Whitetip Shark
I have been contemplating writing this for a while but guess I feel like I am being silly and it's not something to worry about but thought with the fresh thread its as good of a time as any.
In the last two months I have lost both my mum and my nan and while I am upset about losing them and that I will never speak with them, I feel guilty because at no time have I been properly a wreck and I feel like most people would be. Like I haven't had a real cry about any of it other then during the burials and i feel like it hasn't effected me emotionally to much.
I do feel like something is wrong in my day to life a bit, like I am struggling to focus a little at work, not going to the gym as regularly as I would, waking up later then I should and eating like ****. But I am not sure if this is a result of losing them or just being thrown out of my normal routine and just need to get back into it all.
Mum had been sick for a very long time (over 20 years on and off) with various illnesses and had been told many times she only had a few months to live. So my family and I have been prepared for her to go for a long time. She ended up beating cancer 3 times before all the treatments of beating it caught up with her and caused her to develop PSP (a very aggressive form of Parkinsons) at 60 years old but probably had it for at least a year before diagnosis.
PSP was the hardest thing to watch her go through as she ended up losing her ability to walk and move on her own, then close to the end lost the ability to talk other then a few slurred words and was only able to eat heavily pureed food and she loved her food. She was bed ridden for most of the last year of her life and it was a horrible thing to watch someone who had been there for me all my life becoming a shell of her former self.
During the last 6 months of course cancer decided to rear its head again and in the worst place for her. The bottom of her spine right where she would be laying all day. It caused her a lot of pain and would always be wriggling around just to find a spot where it didn't hurt. It was horrible to watch. Seriously F*CK Cancer.
Now after she passed I kept telling myself that I wasn't upset because mum was no longer in any pain and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being that upset about it.
But now losing Nan has me questioning if there is something wrong with me.
My Nan and Aunty were driving home from QLD back to NSW and had a car accident in January. Nan unfortunately passed away at the scene. My Aunty was in ICU and only got out of hospital mid last week but will be mostly physically unaffected.
Nan was 81 and had early dementia. She was herself 95% of the time and had some back pain and other smaller issues but relatively in good health for an 81 year old. This was sudden and not expected and the only silver lining is my Aunty is still alive.
Yet I don't feel sad. I don't feel grief. I went to work the next day and continued on like nothing had happened. I hung out with friends and didn't even tell them what had happened and they didn't notice a difference.
I just feel like I should be crying all the time. I should be needing time off work. I should be angry at life for taking them from me but I'm not.
I still think about them every day and miss talking to them but I don't know. I feel like an unemotional freak that doesn't care about the people I loved.
I know I cared. I just don't know what to do with these feelings of guilt.
In the last two months I have lost both my mum and my nan and while I am upset about losing them and that I will never speak with them, I feel guilty because at no time have I been properly a wreck and I feel like most people would be. Like I haven't had a real cry about any of it other then during the burials and i feel like it hasn't effected me emotionally to much.
I do feel like something is wrong in my day to life a bit, like I am struggling to focus a little at work, not going to the gym as regularly as I would, waking up later then I should and eating like ****. But I am not sure if this is a result of losing them or just being thrown out of my normal routine and just need to get back into it all.
Mum had been sick for a very long time (over 20 years on and off) with various illnesses and had been told many times she only had a few months to live. So my family and I have been prepared for her to go for a long time. She ended up beating cancer 3 times before all the treatments of beating it caught up with her and caused her to develop PSP (a very aggressive form of Parkinsons) at 60 years old but probably had it for at least a year before diagnosis.
PSP was the hardest thing to watch her go through as she ended up losing her ability to walk and move on her own, then close to the end lost the ability to talk other then a few slurred words and was only able to eat heavily pureed food and she loved her food. She was bed ridden for most of the last year of her life and it was a horrible thing to watch someone who had been there for me all my life becoming a shell of her former self.
During the last 6 months of course cancer decided to rear its head again and in the worst place for her. The bottom of her spine right where she would be laying all day. It caused her a lot of pain and would always be wriggling around just to find a spot where it didn't hurt. It was horrible to watch. Seriously F*CK Cancer.
Now after she passed I kept telling myself that I wasn't upset because mum was no longer in any pain and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being that upset about it.
But now losing Nan has me questioning if there is something wrong with me.
My Nan and Aunty were driving home from QLD back to NSW and had a car accident in January. Nan unfortunately passed away at the scene. My Aunty was in ICU and only got out of hospital mid last week but will be mostly physically unaffected.
Nan was 81 and had early dementia. She was herself 95% of the time and had some back pain and other smaller issues but relatively in good health for an 81 year old. This was sudden and not expected and the only silver lining is my Aunty is still alive.
Yet I don't feel sad. I don't feel grief. I went to work the next day and continued on like nothing had happened. I hung out with friends and didn't even tell them what had happened and they didn't notice a difference.
I just feel like I should be crying all the time. I should be needing time off work. I should be angry at life for taking them from me but I'm not.
I still think about them every day and miss talking to them but I don't know. I feel like an unemotional freak that doesn't care about the people I loved.
I know I cared. I just don't know what to do with these feelings of guilt.
Sorry to hear about your mum and your nan, mate.
There's no right or wrong way to feel things. Everyone processes **** differently and what works for one person won't necessarily work for another.
My advice is to stop worrying about what you should be feeling, and focus on what you are feeling. Look after yourself mate. Be kind to yourself.
And if you find you can't shake the grief or get back into the swing of things, talking to a professional never hurts.
HaroldBishop
Megalodon
Yeah I agree with @Jaz , there's no right or wrong way to grieve but I understand how you're feeling @XGinga. My Gran passed away in 2022, despite always having a wonderful relationship with her, especially as a child, I didn't feel overly sad when she passed and never cried. Not sure if that's because she was in her 90s and led a full life, but I've never felt bad about her passing.
I'm guessing it would be different if someone close to me died prematurely and unexpectedly but hopefully I never find out.
I wouldn't cut yourself up, just because you're not grieving the way people do in the movies doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, everyone is different.
I'm guessing it would be different if someone close to me died prematurely and unexpectedly but hopefully I never find out.
I wouldn't cut yourself up, just because you're not grieving the way people do in the movies doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, everyone is different.
Everyone processes grief differently.
The important thing is
There's no right way or wrong way to miss someone. It could even end up hitting a bit different down the track, perhaps although you know they are gone it will be awhile before that really sinks in.
I love my grandparents and both in WA are still alive - when they pass I will miss them for sure but I pretty much feel like when the first one goes I will feel worse for the surviving one losing their partner than I will feel 'sadness' myself. I will be sad, I know that.
But like HB said they've both lived long good lives and are loved.
Mum obviously a bit closer to home but in your instance she's battled on a lot and done well to fight for that extra 20 years by the sound of things, which would affect how her passing impacts you. It's probably been something you've started to process to various extents a number of times over the years.
Like Jaz said, find someone who specialises in grief to talk too if you're not feeling right but struggling to work through it.
But I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Sorry for your loss.
The important thing is
There's no right way or wrong way to miss someone. It could even end up hitting a bit different down the track, perhaps although you know they are gone it will be awhile before that really sinks in.
I love my grandparents and both in WA are still alive - when they pass I will miss them for sure but I pretty much feel like when the first one goes I will feel worse for the surviving one losing their partner than I will feel 'sadness' myself. I will be sad, I know that.
But like HB said they've both lived long good lives and are loved.
Mum obviously a bit closer to home but in your instance she's battled on a lot and done well to fight for that extra 20 years by the sound of things, which would affect how her passing impacts you. It's probably been something you've started to process to various extents a number of times over the years.
Like Jaz said, find someone who specialises in grief to talk too if you're not feeling right but struggling to work through it.
But I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
Sorry for your loss.
jocktheshark
Oceanic Whitetip Shark
It's a tough situation , you feel guilty because you think you don't feel , well for what it's worth maybe in your mums case she had been sick for so long you were a lot more prepared for her passing than you thought and had unknowingly been grieving slowly knowing she wasn't going to be around as long as you would like .
As for your nan , humans can be quite pragmatic , and for you in your nans case knowing that she had a long life and hopefully a happy life has balanced out your grief . That's not saying you can't be sad and upset , that's only natural , but grief can been shown in many ways , doesn't have to be tears . Perhaps think about the things that made you laugh with each other , people's passing can be honored with laughter as well as tears .
I'm sure both your mum and nan both knew how much you loved them , and maybe you can take strength from knowing that they knew that , and would probably have told you not to spend too much time grieving and that they would rather you got on and made a success of your life .
The fact that you have reached out shows that you care , stay strong and talk , to other family and your friends , you might be surprised how many others deal with this situation the same as you are .
Take care buddy .
As for your nan , humans can be quite pragmatic , and for you in your nans case knowing that she had a long life and hopefully a happy life has balanced out your grief . That's not saying you can't be sad and upset , that's only natural , but grief can been shown in many ways , doesn't have to be tears . Perhaps think about the things that made you laugh with each other , people's passing can be honored with laughter as well as tears .
I'm sure both your mum and nan both knew how much you loved them , and maybe you can take strength from knowing that they knew that , and would probably have told you not to spend too much time grieving and that they would rather you got on and made a success of your life .
The fact that you have reached out shows that you care , stay strong and talk , to other family and your friends , you might be surprised how many others deal with this situation the same as you are .
Take care buddy .
Western Sharkie
Jaws
Sorry to hear mate.
Opening up is a great start but what Jaz posted is so true.
Don’t beat yourself up, you obviously do feel something but in your own way.
You do you and what works for you.
Flanno
Jaws
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Very sorry for your losses. The lads on here have given some great comments. You have nothing to feel guilty for, but at the same time it’s understandable why you do. But as @Western Sharkie said don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure your mum and nan would want you to move on with life and live it to the full.
vicsharkfan
Jaws
Cancer has put your emotions through the wringer for the last 15-20 years mate.. there is no right or wrong - your emotions are exactly that yours. I used to think I was a **** person because I felt like i grieved my dads death in 2002 more than my mums in 2018 but the reality is I was in different stages of my life, when dad passed I was only going out with my now wife for six months worked 4 a boss when mum died I had two kids self employed I just couldn’t curl up and tell the world to fk off. I have made peace with it. Feel 4 ya brother stay strong
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Jenni
Bull Shark
I would imagine you had prepared for your Mums passing many times, over an extended period of time, so you had probably already started grieving for her over the years. Sometimes this can desensitise you to other grief. How you feel is how you feel, as long as you are being honest with yourself, that's all that matters.
With a lot of great advice and comments offered already, I don't have anything else to add, except to offer my condolences to You and your Family. xx
Sparkles
Jaws
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@XGinga I'm sorry for your losses, mate. Grief's a tough one to figure out. It hits everyone differently and at different times. Don't feel guilty, your love for them isn't determined by how upset you appear. It's in the thoughts you have for them, the memories you carry and honour. And is sounds like you're doing that in spades.
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XGinga
Oceanic Whitetip Shark
Thanks everyone who provided advice and who has messaged me directly. I am going to work on it and know I shouldn't feel guilty but just can't help it. I am coming to the realization that I don't feel sad/anger emotions a lot in my life but guilt does seem to creep in a lot with various big and small things that I do. Might need to speak with someone about this.
Again thank you everyone.
Again thank you everyone.
From experience, grief will hit you when you're not expecting it. It might be a birthday or the lead up to Christmas or just something that reminds you of times you had together.
Always remember that the memories that you have held together are personal and to be treasured. No one else knows them or understands them like you do. They are special.
If you can remember your loved one with fond memories and it brings a smile to your face when you think of them, all the better.
D
Deleted member T1
Guest
Link to old thread at the top?
I could be wrong, but I think @Sir Chadley started a similar thread but it was in the misc section.
A really good idea though and I’m glad so many of you blokes have taken to it. Hearing your stories really normalises a lot of my concerns, and the way you all are there for people you don’t know is bloody beautiful.
I got my date i go away. It’s the 20th. I had a rough idea but now it’s all locked it. It’s a 90 day program, then the option for another 90 days in a half way house.
I’ve been talking a bunch with my job provider and it feels like everything is falling into place. Hes put together a plan that would have me going straight into my dream job, and in the meantime he’s helping me get those qualifications. One I can do while I’m in there, so when it’s all over, I can hopefully hit the ground running.
@Sir Chadley im not religious, but I’m sending them anyway. We’ve had a couple run ins, but most were just simple understandings and butting heads. You’re a good man.
@XGinga everyone else has nailed it. It’s obvious you care, but everyone grieves differently.
In the last month I’ve cried more than I have, ever. Happy tears, sad tears, all of the tears. Like **** that I’ve had bottled up inside or something, but it’s been good.
Whatever emotions you do go through, just give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel them. You would know if you were a monster, and all the things you say prove you aren’t.
I think a lot of the crying I’ve done recently is because I haven’t been able to process everything go on. Now that I can, it’s hitting me like a tsunami.
Not saying you are the same, but there could be things going on in your life that have already consumed those emotions, so there is nothing to give.
I say this with nothing more than a hunch, and that’s to just give yourself a break. Whatever is going on is going to happen and you can only do what you can do (cliche but true)
Take some time to yourself and be selfish with your emotions if you need to be. You have been so worried for so long because the writing is on the wall. That is draining as a ****….
Be a friend to yourself for a bit and you might find the batteries recharge allowing you to go thru all those emotions (if you feel the need) I hope you’re alright m.
Hope everyone else that hasn’t posted on here is doing well too.
Said it before, but we are all going thru something, and It’s not fair for any of us the compare the severity or feel like our own concerns aren’t worth discussing because they’re “trivial.”
“We’re all sharks fans, all mates, all people”
HaroldBishop
Megalodon
Mate I really hope they weren't fake tears
Really glad to hear you're taking the necessary steps to get to where you want to be. A lot of people take the easy way out because it's too hard. Good on you mate, very inspirational if I'm being honest.
Sparkles
Jaws
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Like HB said, it's pretty inspiring to see you blokes talking control of your lives. It's the from-the-back-fence run into the future. All the best for the 90 day stint and plenty more for you when you're on the other side mate
Spanner shark
Bull Shark
I am not looking for sympathy or empathy.
My wife has been diagnosed with deep alzheimers disease at 67 years old. She doesn't know who I am, thinks I am trying to take her money,house,car and our children aren't mine.
My sons took her down to the Central Coast and visit her daily.
After 8 days of tears then I realised that I can't change what's happening even though things are imminent.
If there is a God why does he take lives of good people and babies when there are people who do nasty things.
Once again no sympathy or empathy
My wife has been diagnosed with deep alzheimers disease at 67 years old. She doesn't know who I am, thinks I am trying to take her money,house,car and our children aren't mine.
My sons took her down to the Central Coast and visit her daily.
After 8 days of tears then I realised that I can't change what's happening even though things are imminent.
If there is a God why does he take lives of good people and babies when there are people who do nasty things.
Once again no sympathy or empathy